Vol. 81: Recalibrating

Recently, I had two weddings to attend over the course of one week - Rachel, a friend from our college human rights organizing days turned DC book club bud, in Manhattan on June 29 and my wife’s closest college friend in the middle of nowhere, Connecticut on July 4. My wife loves Rachel and her husband, but hates both weddings and New York City, so I attended the first wedding solo. The dress code was “bright colors and fun patterns.” Rachel wore a stunning burgundy dress then changed into a Farm Rio romper for the bowling after party. Rachel and Matt provided socks for everyone! I traveled home slightly hungover on the last seat on a Greyhound bus on Sunday. By Monday night, I started feeling chills and body aches and by Tuesday, I’d tested positive for COVID.

Guidance for COVID is SO CONFUSING these days. There’s not specific COVID information at the CDC anymore, just general “respiratory virus” guidance. With our stockpiled tests long since expired, I sent my wife to the library to pick up free COVID tests, where she found that the final day for free tests at Montgomery County Public Libraries was July 1; it was July 2. We’re experiencing a summer COVID wave and it’s a frustrating reminder of the ways society and government returned to business as usual without incorporating the lessons we could have learned about disability justice and community care.

I’m feeling much better, but still not at full strength and still testing positive. All the information I can find says that I may “still be able to spread the virus.” I had two days of chills and body aches followed by days of congestion and sore throat; I’d prefer not to pass that along, let alone something that could be worse for an immunocompromised person or lead to long COVID! I’m grateful that because of the support of my supervisor, I was able to cancel the busy, multi-city work trip I had planned for this week to continue to rest and limit exposure.

And because being an extrovert is a curse, as soon as I start to feel marginally better physically, the melancholy of sitting around at home makes me feel like crawling out of my skin. 

Last summer, I fell into what I can now admit was a CSI depression cave. CSI: Crime Scene Investigators was my early 2000s copaganda of choice. I have fond memories of spending summer days in my parent’s chilly basement watching CSI DVDs and eating M&M Ice Cream Sandwiches. The rewatch started out innocently enough. As corny as it may sound, revisiting problematic faves like CSI and the John Mayer rabbit hole it subsequently sent me down (he performs two songs from Continuum in the episode where Catherine Willows is drugged), tapped into my inner child. It helped me process the shame I sometimes feel for my younger, less socially aware self. I watched CSI with my sister on a rainy lake house day and we reminisced together on our vivid memories of some of the episodes. I even bonded with my brother in law over a shared love of the show.

Then I got to a place where all I was doing was watching CSI. It was all I could think about! I’m laughing while writing this because if it sounds ridiculous, it was, but looking back on last summer, I was depressed and not where I wanted to be. I watched 9 seasons, 207 hours of television!, in three months, and had a terrible panic attack the day after my birthday party.

Summer puts my social anxiety on high alert. There’s a lot of pressure to be on a rooftop, frosé in hand, living your best life. Is it self-imposed? Rooted in social media? Maybe you feel it too? 

In June, I had finally hit a groove: seeing friends while sticking to my budget (for the most part - nobody’s perfect), getting back into my yoga practice, flexing my comfort zone by volunteering at a new local org and going to events solo. Getting COVID and quarantining for a week plus, when I should be wearing the pretty one-shoulder magenta dress I rented for this wedding, is threatening to throw me off. I’m giving myself permission (read: forcing myself to accept) that July will be a month of maintenance not rooftop bars. There’s work obligations, family obligations* - nothing that is miserable, but not things that fit the idealized summer in my head. Perhaps most importantly, I’ll also be resting and allowing my body to recover from a rough illness.

I’m trying to lessen the pressure to constantly do something fun and instead remind myself that I still have August - my birthday month!. Then I try to remove let go of the pressure completely: the truth is between the metro closure in my neighborhood and the heat, what if I just spend a couple of months inside and plan to have a fun fall? Then I think of the impending election and spiral even more. Please let me know how you’re feeling and that I’m not alone.

*This weekend, I’m planning to help my mother-in-law clean out her townhome before moving. See my last newsletter - apparently, when they accept you as family, you have to help out as if you are family! I am not used to this!!!! LOL.

Books, Books, Books

Two thriller recs for you today! I absolutely loved Little Rot by Akwaeke Emezi. This book is not for everyone - it is very dark, with themes of child sexual abuse, violence, etc, so please tread with caution. But it was unputdownable for me. I loved the atmospheric, sticky descriptions of the city, and slowly uncovering how the characters were connected. Thanks to Riverhead Books for my gifted copy!

I read Olivia Muenter’s Such a Bad Influence. I’ve been a fan of her newsletter and social media for awhile and was intrguied by the premise: a teen influencer who grew up in the social media spotlight disappears; her older sister is desperate to figure out what happened. Overall, I loved my reading experience; it kept me entertained, even when it moved slowly at times, and offered astute observations about child safety on the internet and parasocial relationships without being overwrought. I didn’t love the ending, but still recommend reading it - let’s discuss if you have!

Recent Recommendations

I’m loving the Creative Canvas Podcast. Erin and Andrea take on books, pop culture, self care and life in a way that makes me feel like I’m sitting at dinner with two good friends. I’m eternally behind on podcasts, but their episode on writing and summer reads was particularly special.

When I think of how I want my newsletter to make people feel, I think of Nishta J. Mehra’s Omnivore of the Human Experience. This recent edition in particular was both succinct and evocative.

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