Vol. 80

A couple months ago I saw a TikTok from female friendship researcher Danielle Bayard Jackson about how we struggle in conversation with friends when things are going well in life. As a chatterbox, I’ve never had that particular problem, but it stuck with me in the context of my writing life. This isn’t to say that things have been going exclusively well in my newsletter absence; but just that one of the things that caused me major stress and showed up frequently in my writing is, slowly and miraculously, gone: My in-laws and I have a beautiful relationship. They have accepted me and my place in their daughter’s life. And much to my consternation and severe angst in years prior when she didn’t bring me home, I will admit that her method of not really bringing me around the extended family until I had a ring and both of her parents on board worked out well. 

My wife has always been very close with her parents, which made it that much more difficult in our relationship when I felt cordoned off from such an integral part of who she is. We developed routines and boundaries to make it work, but what’s funny now is that her parents haven’t caught on to our previous ways of operating. Nowadays, if she ever goes home without me, they are constantly asking about me: "Where's Allison at? Is Allison coming, too?" I'm still getting used to being welcomed! It's funny and delightful navigating this new phase of our relationship.

This relationship has deepened over the past six months while our family experienced plenty of joy (we are expecting a new nephew! Any day now!), and also experienced deep grief - my wife lost her Grandmother after a short battle with cancer in May. The story of her grief is hers to tell, and while I’d never say I was happy to be at the funeral, I was grateful to be by her side in a way that I wasn’t able to before. I’m also grateful for the opportunity to get to know her cousins better and learn more from the family about how special her grandmother was.

If you’re wondering how I was doing with the death of my wife’s grandmother right around the third anniversary of the death of my grandma, the answer was: Not Good. Think painful, fiery chest anxiety every night. We’re both doing better now, but grief lingers, especially when the love is deep. That’s one of those hard things I’m still sorting out and will write about soon, or at least finish editing the draft I’m working on to share with you all.

Keeping in the theme of things I’m working through, one of those things showed up last Friday when I went to my first CreativeMornings DC. At the event, I heard from Rasa co-founder Sahil Rahman on the topic of Patterns. Every participant was invited to share a pattern they were looking to break on their nametag; I wrote down Self Care over Shopping, a concept I’ve been exploring on TikTok. But during his talk, what kept coming up for me is how easily I fall into negativity. The world can be a very dark place. In some ways, my cynicism and judgment comes from a place of analysis and awareness of how systems of oppression show up in our day-to-day lives. But it’s also a cop out. If I’ve worked in an aspirationally social justice oriented philanthropy role for the past seven years and become so jaded that I am more quick to critique than I am to believe change is possible, then I’m as bad - if not worse! - than those I purport to hold accountable. To quote Mariame Kaba, “Hope is a discipline.” So, in the spirit of not only sharing the negative, I’m back in this space and looking forward to reconnecting with my newsie community. Don’t worry - there will also be plenty of sad newsletters to come! I appreciate you being along for the ride.  

Books, Books, Books

• Looking for a Sign by Susie Dumond was an absolute delight. The premise is so fun - Gray, reeling from a breakup, recently moved to New Orleans, and nearing her Saturn return, sets out on a challenge to date every Zodiac sign in 6 weeks - and Susie absolutely knocked it out of the park. A perfect summer read! *Gifted by the Dial Press

• The Lumumba Plot: The Secret History of the CIA and a Cold War Assassination by Stuart A. Reid was my inaugural summer 2024 chunky nonfiction. I love a Big Book Summer, and this was compelling and engaging. Reid explores the fall of colonialism in the Congo, the role of the UN in conflict in the Congo following independence, ultimately leading to the assassination of Congo’s first Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba. It was fascinating to look at the history of how independence happened, and the ways continued Western involvement never allowed the Congo to truly be free. I loved that Reid started out by introducing Patrice Lumumba and really allowing the reader to get to know him, but he really got lost as a character later in the book. It was unfortunate that there were more American and UN history and voices included than that of the Congolese, but I learned a lot and recommend it. *Gifted by Knopf

• I listened to Coming Home by Brittney Griner & Michelle Burford on audio and it was absolutely harrowing. I had to pause many times, I cried as I sat with the horrors of being separated from your wife and family for an honest mistake, with no sense of when you’d be able to return home. I’ve really been enjoying listening to celebrity memoirs on audiobook  because if I get distracted, I don’t miss too much, but this one kept me absolutely hooked.

Special thank you to Erin for her help proofreading this week & the gentle nudge to return to newsletter land! Be sure you’re subscribed to Notes From Erin for quality newsletter content just in case I disappear again.