Vol. 64: Spoiler alert: it did, in fact, get better

Author

Allison Punch
January 24, 2023

Coffee always tastes better when my wife brews it. I joke with friends that it’s because love is the secret ingredient but in truth, it’s how she stirs. She coarsely grinds beans, boils water, and then takes her time stirring our French Press prior to brewing, with intentionality and patience. (It’s worth noting here that Bae doesn’t drink coffee or require caffeine; she only ever makes it for me, so she stirs like an alert human being rather than a half-awake beast with a pending caffeine headache - but that’s neither here nor there). I used to think I was a patient person but many moments like these over the course of our relationship made me realize how impatient I am.

(See also: Loading the dishwasher properly, folding a fitted sheet, etc. Please note that I've confirmed with her multiple times I'm not weaponizing incompetence; that said, I will likely never fold a fitted sheet again in my life).

Last week, I spent the weekend at my wife’s parent’s place. For the first time. Ever!!!!

While I’ve alluded to the many aspects of the ways that biological families complicate our relationship, I’ve wanted to be respectful of her privacy - and, particularly now that I have a relationship with them, I want to be mindful of my in-laws, too. At the same time, I felt deeply alone for many years navigating the situation, and want to be more open about my experience. I hope it’s helpful, especially to others who are facing familial homophobia or rejection that isn’t black or white.

Bae and I have been together for nearly eight years and I had no contact or relationship with her parents for most of that time. I met my father-in-law the day before our wedding. She is very close to her parents and talks to them daily. Because they were privy to so much of her life and not me, I often felt erased. I didn’t have the best communication skills - neither of us did - and when I tried to express this, she felt unsupported or like I was asking her to choose.

It’s tricky to write about. Writing about this is inherently self-centered. I can’t speak for her emotions or experiences and I won’t attempt to here. The story I’m telling is mine alone, but there are many others involved, and many experiences won’t be represented.

I never lost hope that one day I would have some sort of relationship with them, even when the cultural narrative of “It Gets Better!” and shows like Master of None’s Thanksgiving episode left me feeling frustrated and sad when that wasn’t yet our reality. Many of my friends, family, and even therapists fell into binary either/or thinking that only exacerbated my confusion and pain. My wife wasn’t willing to cut off her family and I wasn’t willing to ask that of her.


One of the weirdest questions I was frequently asked when I’d speak on the situation was, “Are they bothered because of your race or gender?” Both? It’s not about me? Why does it matter? And most importantly:How would I know when I’ve never met them!?Looking back, it felt like people wanted me to have a specific answer so they could judge her parents accordingly. And while it’s reasonable to judge people who are causing harm, the judgment only ever ended up hurting our relationship.

After our trip home for Christmas was rescheduled due to a virus, we spent a long weekend at her parent’s place hibernating from the snow, watching heist shows on Netflix, and playing cards (not spades just yet - I need training, LOL). We all felt a little awkward. It also felt very normal.

I started out this essay writing about my lack of patience, only to realize - I waited for a long ass time to get to this point. Yes, I threw many fits along the way, but isn’t that patience? You tell me.

My in-laws and I are now in the “getting to know each other” phase. Relationship building in this setting is very odd. I’ve essentially had a parasocial relationship with them for nearly a decade and now we're face to face. As much as I want to have a close relationship, as much as I want them to acknowledge the past 8 years, to ask me about myself and my interests, we’re not there yet. In many moments, our marriage is tolerated, not accepted. I’m welcome because they love her and have opened up enough to witness my love for her. I don’t feel close to them, but I don’t need to, not yet - I'm grateful to be in that space. If all they know about me is how much and in what ways I love their daughter, for right now, that’s enough.

Maybe I’m not less patient than my wife. Maybe I was being self-deprecating. Maybe it was the wonder of watching my love make me coffee because she knows I need it. Maybe it was believing wholeheartedly that she is the best at everything she does.

Books, Books, Books

I’m not going to lie, writing that intro essay took a lot out of me (thus why I didn’t have a newsie for you last week) so I’m only giving you a snapshot of what I’m reading. Hope to share a full review on IG or in a future newsletter!

  • Recent reads: I finished Hua Hsu’s memoir Stay True and Daphne Palasi Andreades’s novel Brown Girls. Both were excellent

  • Current audiobook: I’m loving listening to Celeste Ng’s Our Missing Hearts, narrated by Lucy Liu. (Heavy content warning for anti-Asian violence).

  • Current read: I am 1/3 way into a reread of T Kira Madden's devastatingly gorgeous memoir Long Live the Tribe of Fatherless Girls and its even better than the first time.

New Podcast Alert

I’m so, so, SO excited for the launch of No Matter Pod, a new podcast on queer babymaking by the brilliant Katie Marenghi. I’m admittedly biased here because Katie has been one of my dearest friends since age 15, and the first person I ever came out to in the gender neutral bathroom at the end of second Hinsdale in East Quad. I can’t wait to listen to her and her wife Allison’s fertility journey and insights. Listen to the trailer here and download the first episode on February 1!

Small Business Corner

Community Care

In exchange for this free newsletter, please consider donating $5 - 7 to the causes listed below.

I want to extend my love and sympathy to anyone who is feeling affected by the gun violence that happened at a Lunar New Year celebration in Monterey, specifically my Asian American friends and readers. It's sickening that we live in a world where a joyful holiday turns into slaughter, and more fear & trauma for those who experience it and those who read the news. Even if we learn that this specific incident wasn’t motivated by racism, the AAPI community has so much rightful fear and anxiety after the past three years of pandemic hate crimes, targeted violence, and xenophobia. You can donate to Stop AAPI Hate here.

Publishing employees deserve a liveable wage period - everyone does - but it is very sad & frustrating to think about how much better the book world would be if the industry adequately invested in diverse talent. I fully support the HarperCollins union and have been anxiously waiting to see if HarperCollins will come to the bargaining table. I have some highly anticipated upcoming releases from HarperCollins imprints I would love to feature in this newsletter but am still holding back per their request. You can now donate to the Strike Support Fund online here and if you’d like to learn more, I recommend Anne Helen Peterson’s coverage here.

That's all, folks! 

Thanks everyone for reading. I would love to hear what you think. If you liked this newsletter, please forward to a friend or share on social media to subscribeat this link.