Volume 72

Author

Allison Punch
September 15, 2023

This past weekend, I went to Baby Bootcamp, staying with one of my closest friends for over 15 years, Maggie, and her three week old, baby Mac. As many high school-turned-college-turned-adulthood friendships are, ours is long distance. When I asked Maggie during her pregnancy when I should plan to visit and meet the baby, she said “when he’s three weeks old.” It ended up being brilliant mama foresight because her husband had to go out of town to tend to a family matter. I spent the weekend on Auntie duty.

I have limited newborn experience. Picture me last December holding my friend’s three month old: Claire: “Are you comfortable?” Me: “Yes!” Her: “Okay because girl, you LOOK uncomfortable.” I pictured myself doing Maggie’s dishes and laundry. I nearly forgot after 9 years of living in another city from my best friend how much she loves to clean. I remember hosting a house party or two in college where she finished cleaning up before the last guest even left (yes, she’s an amazing friend!). I ended up holding the baby while she tended to her garden, folded onesies, pumped, took a nap. We gave baby Mac his second bath, watched reality TV, and reminisced on how differently we used to spend our nights. It was a very special, sacred weekend.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Amoretta Morris in Mia Birdsong’s How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship and Community: "It's okay to ask for help. In fact, by doing so, you are taking part in the divine circle of giving and receiving. While we often focus on what the request means for the asker/recipient, we should remember that gifting can be transformative for the helper . . . By not asking for help when you need it, you are blocking that flow." I have quoted this approximately 17,000 times in this newsletter because of how much I love the quote and how it’s guided me since I read it.

Maggie is an amazing mother, so intelligent and loving, and it’s beautiful to witness what I always knew to be true - but also as a protective friend who’s heard so many stories on how tough postpartum is, it helped me to lay eyes on her and see for myself how she’s doing. I was also able to alleviate so many of my anxieties about my ability to support new parent friends, as well as how I can one day support my postpartum wife as the non-birthing parent.

The truth is, I probably got more out of the weekend than Maggie did - that’s a testimony to how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to show up for her. I wanted to be there, and she didn’t interrupt my flow, only communicated what would be most helpful*. This particular instance happened when she was postpartum but has been repeated so many times throughout our friendship of showing up for one another in reciprocity, community and love.

I’m working on getting back my newsletter to a Tuesday cadencing, but it worked out that I was still tinkering with this week’s letter when Leave it to Leonor’s newsletter yesterday had this to say about this: “Here's what it comes down to for me: you can either choose to show up for your friends or you don't. Period. And I mean that for both the friends who have kids and the ones who remain child-free (either by choice or otherwise.)”

I didn’t mean to wade into the Discourse of the Moment, because I believe showing up for one another shouldn’t be predicated on family structure or traditional milestones like childbirth. There are certainly a lot of societal and cultural constraints that make supporting each other difficult, to be sure, but I'm committed to trying.

*As a white woman who has worked in the nonprofit space for most of my career, this part is key - so much harm has been done when white and/or college educated folks assume they know how to best help a person or a community without, y’know, asking.

Books, Books, Books

I’m 10 books behind on my reading challenge and really trying to catch up. Reading has been a struggle, but I’m persistent!

DNF corner

  • One of Us Is Next  - I read far too much of this book before deciding it just wasn’t for me. I love a teeny bopper mystery, but this totally lacked tension. I was bored.

  • Pulling the Chariot of the Sun: A Memoir of a Kidnapping - I love a memoir by a poet and I love books that play with memory. Shane McCrae’s book looks at his experience growing up as a biracial parent who was kidnapped by his racist white grandparents. While the premise had me hooked, and I can tell he’s a brilliant writer, the pacing threw me for a loop; I could never quite get into this and it was overdue at the library. It was probably me, not the boo

Currently reading

  • When Crack Was King: A People’s History of a Misunderstood Era by Donovan X Ramsey is a beautiful investigative journalism book that looks at the history of the crack epidemic, following the lives of four individuals who were affected by the epidemic in different ways. This book is framed with love for Black people and addicts, something countercultural to how much media operated throughout that time in history (and arguably still today). While it’s not quite at the same sweeping scope, I’d recommend it for fans of The Warmth of Other Suns. This book is going to break my reading slump!

Cool Event Alerts

For my DMV friends, we have two amazing upcoming bookish podcast recordings

For Twin Cities friends, have you heard of the newest romance bookstore Tropes and Trifles? Check out their upcoming events here.

September Challenge

I challenged myself to vlog on TikTok every day of the month of September! I’m learning a lot about vlogging and my social media usage and will share more soon. You can follow along here.