Vol. 82: Will they or won't they

In October, my wife and I will have been married for three years. I’d estimate roughly one quarter of that time has been spent on long, looping walks with the dog discussing back and forth if we’re going to move to Michigan or stay in the DMV.

It’s not a debate where one of us fights for a side, moreso a weaving in and out of decisions made, minds changed, and never ending pros and cons.

We’re both proud Michiganders. I dreamt about going to college in DC before choosing to stay in my hometown and go to University of Michigan. I thought of college Ann Arbor and childhood Ann Arbor as distinctive experiences, with new people, different parts of town, and fresh ideas throughout my undergrad, but when I moved to DC in December 2014, I realized for the first time how challenging it is to uproot your life and settle in a new city (I also discovered that much as I pushed the sentiment that Ann Arbor is “more than just a college town,” living in a major city felt quite different!).

My wife went to school in Massachusetts, about as far away as she could get from her mid-Michigan hometown. After graduation, she’d landed back in Michigan to determine her next move when we met in Eaton County, working on a political campaign in a red congressional district shortly. In spring 2016, she moved to DC, and still claims to this day she didn’t move for me - though we were dating at the time she moved, so you do the math!

Years ago, we had stronger stances: she needed to see me manage my budget better if I wanted to stay, and I couldn’t be a secret among her extended family if we were to move. As these obstacles have faded with time, our future feels both more possible and more confusing.

Both homes are incredible options. In Michigan, we’d be near almost our entire immediate blood family and closer to some of my friendships of 10+ years. I’d feel more comfortable driving. If we moved, we’d live in a new part of southeast Michigan where neither of us grew up, so we’d simultaneously be moving home and getting a fresh start in a new environment. And, in what will most likely be the deciding factor, the cost of living is significantly lower.

But then there’s our current home, Silver Spring, recently voted best place in America for families, with its diversity, walkability, public transit, endless arts and culture opportunities, not to mention the friends and community we’ve built as we’ve come into ourselves throughout our twenties and now our thirties. The love we have for our community runs deep and only grows with each show at the Fillmore, or whenever we spend the morning working out at the free recreation center then enjoying our favorite onsite Ethiopian-owned coffee shop.

Both states currently have excellent Governors who continue to diligently codify rights we need as a queer, interracial couple thinking about expanding our family, but Michigan feels more tenuous. And then there’s the ever pressing question of personal growth. I’m such a different person than I was when I grew up - my worldview has expanded, and my friendship circle is no longer majority white like it was when I was younger. I’m proud of who I’ve become since leaving, and I’m also still grappling with some shame around how I internalized whiteness as a kid growing up in a white liberal enclave like Ann Arbor. Here’s my truth: It feels easier to continue growing here than it does to return home and have to confront the ways of thinking I’ve left behind. Simultaneously, my values know I shouldn’t shy away from the challenge.

Our DMV friends are sick of hearing us talk about this, and our Michigan friends and family want an answer. I announced last summer that we’d be moving this year, only to backtrack and say we’re moving when our lease is up in April 2025. Or we’ll see what the lease renewal costs. Or we’ll renew for a year and move in April 2026. Or we’ll make a decision after the Presidential election. Or we’ll move home so we can watch our nephew grow up. Or we’ll stay here so he can come visit us when he’s older. Or we will try to get pregnant here but then move when the baby comes. Ad infinitum.

While there is no one right answer, there’s also my perfect fantasy world: We can afford the exorbitant DMV childcare costs and a one million dollar home with enough bedrooms for everyone to visit - which they do, frequently! We have adequate flexibility in our jobs so we can spend the summer in Michigan, shuttling our fictional future children back and forth between all four grandparents, watching them spend time with their cousins Bryson, Mackinac, Finn, getting funnel cake at the Ann Arbor Art Fair and climbing on the statue outside the UMMA just like I did as a kid.

Books, Books, Books

• I read Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City by Matthew Desmond shortly after The List (New York Times’ best books of the 21st century if you’re not on the same side of bookternet I am) inspired me to tackle some of my backlog. I felt like everyone I know loves this book, and I was very impressed with the reportage and storytelling - even if it wasn’t the best nonfiction I’ve ever read, many of the stories will stick with me. 

• The Twelve Tribes of Hattie by Ayanna Mathis was another book that has been on my shelves for years - my Grandma gave it to me, probably in 2018 or 2019 - and I finally read it in advance of Ayanna Mathis’ upcoming appearance at the National Book Festival. I love a multigenerational family novel, and while it was compelling, it wasn’t my favorite. It felt a bit disjointed and I wanted more continuity or time with characters like Franklin, who we met at the beginning and then disappeared.

• I read and highly recommend Jesselyn Cook’s The Quiet Damage: QAnon and the Destruction of the American Family. This book was short, unputdownable nonfiction that closely follows the lives of people who got swept up in QAnon’s conspiracy theories and the aftermath among their families and loved ones. It reminded me of the importance not only of media literacy and online fact checking, but also of community and mental healthcare. If you’re interested in cults, American Democracy and civic life, or just really good nonfiction, I recommend. (Gifted from Crown Publishing!)

Do yoga with me!

I’m teaching two free classes at the Brigadier General Charles E. McGee (Silver Spring) Library this month - one this upcoming Monday, August 14 and another on Monday, August 26. The class starts promptly at 6, but I recommend getting there around 5:40 as there is no advance sign up and tickets for the class are distributed on a first come, first served basis. My YTT cohort teaches this class every Monday for free as a gift to the community, so even if you can’t make those days, check it out another week as each one of those teachers are very special and talented.

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