Vol. 74: Are we all just hypocrites? & a fall treat for you

Author

Allison Punch
October 10, 2023

After my last newsletter went out about being there for a friend, I felt tightness in my chest. Not because I wasn’t proud of my writing or because I was embarrassed by something I said, but because I was anxious that one of my other friends would read it and call me out on a time I hadn't been there for them. 

I was discussing this with one of my closest friends* and she asked if there were specific instances on my mind. When I explained - not really - she said, “Allison, it seems like you’re trying to be a perfect friend - when such a thing doesn’t exist.” WELL. She didn’t have to call me out like that! I’m not Type A about many things in life - I don’t stress about typos, grammar, or miscellaneous work projects, so sometimes I lie to myself that I’m not a perfectionist. I take my friendships very seriously, and while I don’t think that’s a bad thing, holding myself to an impossible standard only harms me and my friends.

I’m an imperfect human and so I’m imperfect in relationships. I often think of a moment in my early twenties with my now-wife where we had one of our first fights where I hur. When apologizing, I said (somewhat dramatically), “I’ll never hurt you again.” “You will,” she replied, “and that’s okay.” If anything, some of my strongest friendships are ones where we’ve had and overcome conflict. 

Something that’s been on my mind lately, a fragment of a newsletter essay topic, is that to be human is to be hypocritical. In my thirties, I’ve been leaning into my value of authenticity but also grappling with three decades of being a people pleaser. I want to be a more honest person, but I also don’t want to be cruel - and sometimes the two feel mutually exclusive. As I think back on moments where I’ve fallen short of my values, I realized that there’s no way we can live in this world without sometimes being a hypocrite. 

To be clear, I’m not promoting a lack of accountability, especially not for actual harm, though our culture really does not know what true accountability looks like - perhaps that’s another topic for another time. Am I giving myself an out here, or is society really set up that way? Who do you know who is 100% aligned with their values in every moment? 

*It’s her thirtieth birthday today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAYLOR!

Fall Playlists

Taking inspiration from both Jenay and Erin’s amazing newsletters, I wanted to share not one but TWO fall playlists for you. One features more R&B and one is more indie/folk. Both are meant to be played in order, preferably on an hour long walk in crisp fall morning air.

I’m an Apple music girl, but I even converted them to Spotify for you using Soundiiz.com (also on Erin’s rec, I think!). However, those of you who are Spotify exclusive will be missing a critical component of the Fall 2023 playlist so just know the transition makes more sense when the playlist is complete.

Books, Books, Books

Currently Reading

  • I read half of Fly With Me by Andie Burke in one sitting and have about 30 pages left. It is a fun lesbian romance novel with fake dating trope and a sexy pilot. There were times it dragged, but overall a fun light romance read that held my attention when a lot of romance novels have been a DNF for me lately.

Recent Reads

  • I read Taylor Lorenz’s Extremely Online: The Untold Story of Fame, Influence and Power on the Internet. Typing out the subtitle just made me angry again because how can you talk about “power” without talking about race!? This book was SO CLOSE to being excellent. It was a readable and fascinating history of social media - the platforms themselves, monetization, controversy, the rise of the “influencer” or “creator” (and how “creator” as a term was used because of sexism/influencer was gendered! Fascinating!) but it’s disheartening to read a book by a white woman that calls out sexism and misogyny but treats race as an afterthought. When I think of internet culture and social media, I think of Black creatives on Vine, or Black Twitter, or #BlackLivesMatter. When we’re talking about monetization, I wish Lorenz paid more attention to the way Black folks create SO MUCH of so-called internet culture without getting adequately compensated. All that said - I genuinely enjoyed reading it, and recommend with the aforementioned caveat.

  • I read White Women Cry and Call Me Angry: A Black Woman's Memoir on Racism in Philanthropy by Dr. Yanique Redwood. As a white woman who works at a philanthropic organization headquartered in DC, this was a must-read. It gave me so much to reflect on, both in terms of how I show up as a white woman engaging in antiracist work, but also how I'm not involved locally in the network of people who are seeking to improve the sector. So many of the incidents she described happened while I was working at my current job but very head down within my own organization. I also really loved reading about her journey working with her organization's board to bring community members with lived experience of poverty and homelessness onto her board. Because I've never worked at a foundation, I often struggle to understand why foundations have so much trouble improving their practice - involving people who come from the community you seek to serve feels like a no brainer! - so it was helpful to understand the hurdles from such an intimate perspective.

Backlist Book Recs

Newsletter Housekeeping 

I met two of you, readers, at the Stacks podcast recording in DC and you were both SO nice! Hello, new friends! Sadly, I forgot your names but I remember your faces and your kind words - so please reply and remind me.

I swear, I’m going to get back into a more regular cadence one of these days soon. I want to lean into storytelling and maybe even try different formats. Please let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see from this space!