Vol. 70: I'm a gradual girly

Author

Allison Punch
March 28, 2023

As a kid, I was very committed to the idea that if I could just hit puberty, I would be “cool.” There were designated markers - things like wearing deodorant, which I did not need, desperately wanted, but was terrified to ask my parents to buy. Once I obtained a bra, I would be stylish and grown. The day of a classmate’s bat mitzvah, my mom could somehow sense a simmering desire I thought was hidden, and asked if I wanted to shave my legs. I was so excited even after I badly nicked my ankle - the scar is still visible today.

I remember standing in the gym locker room as a friend confessed a secret - she’d started to grow armpit hair: “It’s so gross. I have to shave it off!” “Oh,” I proudly announced, “I’ve been shaving my armpits for awhile now.”

This feels embarrassing and vulnerable to share, not because I’m under any illusion that this was a unique experience of preteenhood, but because at 30, my body remembers how intense the desperation, how hot the shame. I had so many manufactured landmarks to deal with my insecurities where I thought if I could only reach X, if I could just buy Y, then I’ll be happy and confident.

I see this show up all the time now with influencer marketing on social media. I’m hesitant because I don’t want to knock any of the people themselves - we’re all trying to make a living, and it's not just influencers but diet culture, marketing, and capitalism as a whole - but particularly the way it manifests in social media can really prey on people’s unhappiness and desire for a difference in your life. If I just buy this expensive water cup, I’ll be hydrated and happy. If I buy this crisp white $75 tee, I’ll feel confident. If I start oil pulling, the tension in my jaw from my stressful, underpaid job will go away. The items or actions themselves often provide happiness, but they’re not a substitute for internal work.

One of my favorite songs since middle school is India.Arie’s  “Slow Down.” The lyrics read, “You’re ‘bout to wreck your future, running from your past.” I’ve always viewed my speed as future-oriented; I’m one of those planners that, if I don’t stop myself, will start thinking about the next vacation when I haven’t yet checked in for the return flight home. I fear I missed out on moments of childhood I can never get back because I was so caught up. Listening to the song today, I realize what isn’t important is the word “past” but the word “running.” I was running from feeling awkward, from my fear of being unloved or unlovable, running towards a world where I felt like I could fit in. 

Lately, I’ve been feeling good - really, really good. The past two weeks were emotional, draining and it felt like everyone I knew was suffering or going through some shit. I also caught many moments where I was showing up for myself - asking my doctor vulnerable questions at my annual physical, getting in a fun workout when I really needed the exercise for my mental health, advocating for what I need at work while doing my best to show up in line with my values. Even waking up this morning at 6 AM to write this newsletter to you.

The current workshop I’m in, The Sweat Between, is all about building a life in service of your work as an artist. It’s validating because I’ve unearthed many ways I’ve already structured my life in service of my art that just require some small, key mindset shifts. My exercise routine and the community I’ve found in my yoga and pilates studio are in service of my art - and can be even more so if I set an intention in my physical practice centered around my projects. My love of cooking and tidying our space can be in service of my art because it’s another time I enter flow. I can clean my apartment because my anxiety manifests by being a controlling perfectionist about our space, or I can clean it because putting on music, lighting incense, and tending to my home is something I love that serves me as a writer. Our instructor Kima speaks about creating a lush life. Sometimes it’s not about a room of one’s own but about finding a candle of one’s own, lighting it, and writing.

Shocking: area woman turns 30 and realizes that it’s small, intentional shifts that can truly change your life. I know for some, completely uprooting and redefining your life can be what creates the changes you need, I’ve read Wild. But the beautiful part of entering this next decade is learning who I am and understanding that my way of operating is okay. I’m a gradual girly.

Books, books, books

  • Currently reading: I picked up The Essential June Jordan at the library. It’s my first time diving into her work but won’t be my last. I love deeply political poetry, and her voice is incredible. This is a needed reminder to read more poetry because it always nourishes my soul in a way other genres just don’t.

  • Currently listening: I finally started listening to Honey and Spice by Bolu Babalola after Sarah recommended it on the Bound to Happen podcast. This is such an engaging audiobook as we follow Kiki’s experiences navigating her coursework, career goals, love, and gossip in her community of Black students at a predominately white university in England. The dialogue is so fun and the tension is delicious!

  • Recent reads: I read Dyscalculia: A Love Story of Epic Miscalculation by Camonghne Felix over the course of one weekend and imagine I’ll be returning to it many times. It is a brilliantly crafted book; you all know I love hybrid genre reads and this felt like a memoir in verse with some theory. So, so good.

Small Business Corner

Candles With Attitude has probably the most beautiful, fun designed candles I’ve seen in a minute. Would be an amazing gift for a sneakerhead, but even if you don’t want a candle that’s too beautiful to burn, I bought one of their jarred candles in the scent Bad Energy, Stay Far Away that is a vibe.

Community Care

In exchange for this free newsletter, please consider giving $5 - 7 to the causes listed below.

I’ve loved seeing so many folks participating in the Trans Rights Readathon and learning about all the amazing organizations supporting trans communities in the wake of urgent and ongoing attacks and a constant onslaught of anti-trans policies nationwide. While I’m not participating in the readathon myself, I stand with the trans community and will be donating. I hope you join me.

Newsletter housekeeping

When I shared my writing goals during the first week of The Sweat Between, Kima told me that my newsletter should be cut down to monthly so I can create space for my other creative projects and not burn myself - or my audience - out. I was shocked both by how GOOD and straight-forward this advice is, but also how terrifying it is to consider giving up my one regular creative practice. I know I’m cheating a little bit here by sending out this newsletter when I already sent one in March (I missed you all!). That said, I trust both her expertise and myself to make the most of this advice. I’ll be monthly in April and May, at least, but then exploring coming back biweekly in June. Wish me luck!