Vol. 56: An anniversary interview with my wife pt. 2

In celebration of our first anniversary on October 22, my wife (aka Bae) graciously allowed me to interview her for this newsletter as we reflect on one year of marriage.  You can read part one of the interview here. The following transcript is based on a 45-minute conversation during our 6-hour drive home from Vermont on Tuesday, October 18. It has been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

Mariah Miranda Photography

Allison: When you think of our first year of marriage, what memories or moments of joy stand out?

Bae: I’m a person that always tries to live in the moment and so the moments of joy that are obvious to me are our most recent moments of stillness and laughter on vacation. Just being with you. We did a moderate hike that was pretty challenging to the top of a peak to see the fall leaves. The way we communicated with tenderness and love about our limits and how we were feeling going into it was such a joyous experience for me. We also went to this tea shop in Burlington. I really enjoy that you and I are able to have intimate conversations everywhere. We had a very intimate conversation in that tea shop and it was very calming.

A: Wait, what did we talk about, I forget?

B: Kids.

A: Oh, yeah!

B: And like our wants and our needs and - 

A: I love you! (Laughter).

W: – our goals.

A: I love you so much.

B: For moments of joy, sometimes I remember stupid things that in the grand scheme of things don’t matter at all in a relationship but like, matter. You know what I mean? I told you the other day I thank God every day that you’re not one of those people that goes crazy about Halloween. 

A: No like shoutout to -

B: (Laughter).

A: - us being perfect together because we both don’t care for Halloween.

B: And like, we love Fall, but we’re not those Halloween girlies, we’re not dressing up, we’re not doing the couple’s costumes, do not invite us to those things because we’re not doing that! (Laughter)

A: I mean, maybe we would do it if we were invited but like – 

B: Um.

A: (Laughter)

B: (Unclear here if she says “Baby” or “Maybe”). (Laughter). So we were just laughing over the random things that make us compatible. 

A: I love it. I like what you said there about the hike because I think it exemplifies those small joys that you don’t necessarily remember because ideally this is what your relationship should be made up of. The moments in which one person communicates their needs and the other holds space for that. That’s exactly what was in our vows. It’s so easy to pay attention to the moments where that doesn’t happen, when it causes friction and it can escalate. But there are so many moments where that has happened. And it’s really beautiful! With the hike, you said, “I don’t want to do it after your class because I don’t want to do it in the dark” and I was like, “yeah, you're right, I shouldn’t have even suggested it.” That was a beautiful communication.

B: Yeah. Also we've been having more people over and we are a very good team when we host people in our home. I had forgotten that over the course of the pandemic. We really complement each other quite well.

A: And it’s something we both take pride in so it’s fun to do together. 

B: Yeah, I love that we’ve been prioritizing trying to build that community around food, and practice, and joy, and laughter.

A: I’ve loved it, too. And apparently you did it just to get me out of my depression without me even noticing.

B: (Laughter).

A: (Laughter). What are your hopes for our second year of marriage and beyond?

B: I hope for little moments of joy and stillness and balance. Waking up next to you in the middle of the night.

A: And finding me right there.

B:  I do like a grand gesture every now and again but to me marriage is these little tiny moments, you know what I mean? And how they make you feel. I’m hoping that we continue to find joy in all of the little things.

A: I love you.

B: I love you, too.

A: So I do have one thing and I’m curious if you haven’t brought this up because it’s being recorded and ‘cause of the public aspect. But in terms of the finances, are there any hopes you have for that? Personally, that has been a big shift. Even though we’ve been financially combined in various ways since we’ve lived together five years now, marriage was an additional shift to feeling like these are our finances together, you know? Feeling like your financial burden is my financial burden and vice versa. And it's been bumpy because it’s money! It’s very emotional, it's tied to so much. I’m curious if there was anything you’d add in terms of challenges or hopes for the future? 

B: Oof. These are big questions. (Pause). I hope that we continue to grow in our ability to communicate. Both of us have triggers about money that show up in different ways. Most recently, I’m not going to lie to you all, I really love this DINK life. For those of you who don’t know, that’s Dual Income, No Kids (laugh). It’s taken us a while to get to this place where both of us are prioritizing the same goals in our joint finances. I feel very financially free at the moment. The thought of giving that up to bring a child into this world is like - ooh child, don’t wanna do it. I want to have children and I want to be a parent with you. There are just things I thought I’d have done or experienced before being a parent. If we’re being honest, living in a major city, living in an interracial lesbian relationship, it took us a little longer than it would have taken - Not like saying that as an excuse -

A: Oh, of course.

B: - everybody’s path is different or whatever, I’m just saying that we’re stepping into our thirties with a sense of assuredness and self and freedom. The thought of giving that up is a bit hard for me. 

A: Yeah, living in and near the city has affected our finances in terms of housing costs and just cost of living in general. But it’s both a priority and it’s a reality where for us as an interracial lesbian couple, we feel safer in that type of environment. 

B: Yeah! 

A: Well, thanks for answering that! 'Cause I know that was not on the list! Not that you had any of the questions to prepare. This is my final question.

W Can I have some water first?

A: Yes. (Pause and shuffling.) Water for the lady. (Pause). (Laughter).

A: What advice do you have for other newlyweds, especially those who are interracial and/or queer couples?

B: Oh. (Pause). It’s hard for me to answer these questions because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But if you’re a person of color marrying a white person who has an active relationship with their family – and I don’t care how long that you’ve dated - when you get married, there’s a realization that hits like oh, I’m stuck with these white people, dog! (Laughter). That’s a jarring experience. And yes, you’ve been around them and yes, you've done this and that, but these your white people now. For better or worse! That is a thing you really have to sit with. And really decide how you're going to show up there. In my experience, you’re the only intimate relationship that your in-laws are going to have with a person of color. Not always! Some families have those relationships but for your immediate family, I am the Black person that they know most intimately. I think of that as both a problem and as a privilege. A privilege to get to know them as they are, as their people, but also sometimes it’s like - come on now, love. We should have known better. There’s such a comfort in the “not seeing color” that truly unveils over time, when they realize that everywhere you show up is affected by your Blackness. And in a way that there’s no comprehension. 

A: Mmhm. 

B: You really need to prepare your mind for that and to prepare those conversations. And it’s a process. I say that because my in-laws are great, I love them as people, and I feel very fortunate to have the relationship I have with my in-laws. There have definitely been some tenuous moments and navigating those is difficult. It’s a stretch. Sometimes you don’t feel like having to have those conversations throughout your personal life, but you do anyways ‘cause you love these people. There’s a certain level of preparation. Even for the most well-intended, intentional white people, there are moments where they’re going to have to realize things are very different for you.

A: Mmhm. Mmhm Yeah. And it’s shifted by being like an official official part of the family?

B: Yes.

A: I appreciate you speaking so openly. I love you.

B: I love you, too.

A: Are there any questions you have for me?

B: I always have questions for you. What advice do you have for a queer, interracial couple?

A: I think that’s such a good point about family because we didn’t really [spend a lot of time with each other's families] before we got married. I should have been having more conversations about what it would mean for them to have a Black person in our family and showing up for you in that support. Well - not just for you but because it’s important to me as a white person. It’s definitely been a challenge for me. I want to be the person that these conversations come easily to, with my family specifically. But they don’t and then I can be hard on myself about that.

B: You know, I also think it’s been a real adjustment without your Grandma around. For whatever reason, I don’t know why it worked that way, but your 90 year-old Grandma made life much easier.

A: For both of us, yeah.

B: I don’t know. It felt like the stakes were high and low at the same time.

A: (Laughter).

B: Jacquie loved me and I loved Jacquie. And we both loved getting to know each other in the short time we had together. That was something that I’ll never take for granted.

A: Yeah.

B: So losing such a big part of communication between us and your family, that has been hard.

A: I agree. It’s been really hard. It’s not only our first year of marriage but our first year without her. Second year without her. Which keeps getting harder instead of easier.

B: (Laughter.) Grief and loss is like that.

A: Yeah. But I think my advice would be to run your own race but don’t feel like you’re alone. That has been an ongoing thing for me in our relationship and how I rely on my friends for support. I’ve had many different journeys of realizing our situation is and isn’t unique. You know what I mean? It is unique and so I need to find people that aren’t prescriptive towards it. I had a lot of straight and/or white friends who didn’t really support me the way that I needed when I was struggling with not feeling a part of your family. It kind of shut me down. Um - I’m probably going to cut this out – (Laugh). And then I didn’t really talk about it with others. It’s been a recalibration of finding ways to get support while also making sure that I’m supporting you first and foremost - sharing what you are comfortable with, not sharing what you’re not comfortable with, ensuring that your stories, that your experiences are being honored. You know?

B: Mmmhm.

A: I think what I’m trying to say is, when we did encounter bumps in our first year of marriage what was hardest for me was that I felt so sure that we wouldn’t. So letting go of the expectations. Being in the moment and being in your relationship. And! Not being on an island in terms of asking for support or talking to loved ones. 

B: I think that’s all I’ve got for you.

A: Tired of being recorded?

B: My mouth is dry.

A; Alright let’s get you some water, it’s really hot in the car. I'm going to take off my hoodie and then, okay. Love you! 

B: Love you, too.

Mariah Miranda Photography