Vol. 55: An anniversary interview with my wife pt. 1

In celebration of our first wedding anniversary on October 22, my wife (aka Bae) graciously allowed me to interview her for this newsletter as we reflect on one year of marriage. The following transcript is based on a 45-minute conversation during our 6-hour drive home from Vermont on Tuesday, October 18. It has been edited and condensed for length and clarity. 

All photos credit to Mariah Miranda Photography.

Allison: What are some of your core memories from our wedding day? What stood out to you?

Bae: Honestly, that day kind of went by in a blur. There’s a core moment where I’m getting ready to walk down the aisle and I have the world’s worst Charlie horse. I look at my parents and I’m like, “I don’t think I can do this.” They were like, “what?” And I’m like, no physically! I’m in pain! My mom’s trying to calm me down by saying, “point your toe, point your toe!” And then it felt like I was up there waiting for your entrance for a long time - because I was, since you wanted it to be a very dramatic moment.

A: (Loud laugh).

B: I remember seeing you for the first time and coincidentally one of our favorite Maxwell songs was playing at the hotel. There was also a moment where it was just us, between the cocktail hour and the dinner, where we’re reading cards and gifts that we got on that day and we’re just together. And towards the end of the night, when we’d both been drinking, we ended the night with some fire ass chicken fingers. That probably saved my life. Those are the things that I remember most. 

A: Do you have core memories from the weekend?

B: Not really. It went by fast. I loved every intention and detail we put into the wedding weekend. I loved that it was a small and intimate wedding. No one’s doing it like the girls did it! Holding an intimate wedding without a bridal party made it feel really special to all the people who got an invite. ‘Cause there were many people who did not. Everything was a blur. But I’m grateful to have gone through that with you.

A: Same. I think something that stood out to me, not just about the day but the whole experience, is because it was hard for me to not invite a lot of my close friends because it was so small (editor's note: twenty-nine people, counting us). They were understanding but it was hard. So I was really just taken aback by the amount of love and support we got from people who weren’t at the wedding. That was a surprise for me - I knew those who would be at the wedding were excited for us, but because I had some guilt about size, the guest list, it was really nice to see others show out and support from afar.

B: I think COVID definitely helped people’s understanding. I mean, we would have had the same size wedding regardless of COVID -

A: I agree completely.

B: - But it helped people understand. We were trying to make this as safe as possible for us and our wedding guests. People have to respect that. Or they don’t.

A: Yeah, people were really understanding. I know the intentionality we put in to ensure we were doing what we could to prevent COVID getting spread at our wedding went a long way, especially for our immunocompromised guests and their loved ones. Is there anything else you would add about that day or the weekend?

B: There are definitely moments I’m missing or things that I could have said. I’m feeling some pressure to have some romanticized moment of our wedding day but really everything went by so fast.

A: I'm with you! I remember eating the Amish honey butter at breakfast but I couldn’t even eat because I was so nervous! I remember your mom arrived for the first look before my mom and sister arrived and I was like, where are they? (Laughter.) Where’s my family? Then I remember the chicken nuggets. I actually ordered a burger, you ordered the chicken nuggets, and shout out to you because that was delicious.

B: Them tenders were delicious.

A: (Laughter). Okay, so what have you learned about yourself in our first year of marriage?

B: Oh, I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I communicate. Ways I need to get better at communicating my feelings and setting boundaries. In our first year of marriage, I learned I need to prioritize rest. Sometimes that means prioritizing myself over us as a couple which doesn’t come naturally. 

A: Yeah.

B: But it’s necessary for me to show up as a full human being in our relationship. It’s not like I need a lot but I need two to three hours a week where I get to decide whatever I wanna do. You know what I mean? That helps me show up as a person that’s receptive to your needs and wants. It helps me feel rested to tackle those things that need to get done as a unit.

A: For sure. It’s helpful for me to hear you say that 'cause even if you’re watching TV for three hours, that’s not necessarily resting if you don’t feel autonomous over that time. If I’ve scheduled your two hours, that's not relaxing. You need to take it when it works for you.

B: Yeah.

A: It’s not so much about the action – I mean, it is – but it’s also about the full control – autonomy.

B: I was spoiled as the youngest child, only girl. A lot of times during childhood I had free reign to decide what I was going to do and when I was going to do it. I never realized how when I don’t get that, I kind of show up like a spoiled brat. I love you, but in my heart of hearts, I’m very much an introvert and homebody.

A: I don’t even know if I would characterize it as a spoiled brat - it’s a need. Maybe it’s just ‘cause spoiled brat has a negative connotation and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting what you need. Sometimes I’ve reacted negatively when I’ve interpreted it as you not wanting to help around the house or whatnot - and that’s not what it is at all. As we’ve discovered since we’ve tried to prioritize you getting that time, you are more willing and able to help around the house if you have your time.

B: Yes.

A: What have you learned about me in our first year? 

B: I’ve learned a lot about you. That’s such a broad question that it’s hard for me to pinpoint. (Long pause). I’ve learned about how you like to be loved. I joke around often that all five of the love languages are your love languages but truly, acts of service and gifts are your main ones. And words of affirmation. I’ve definitely become better at the words of affirmation and acts of service but I’m not necessarily the best at planning out gifts. And I need to make that a priority in our relationship.

A: Personally, I think you’re good at gifts when you plan for them. You don’t necessarily do the “just because” gifts. You’re really good at Christmas, birthday - amazing at those gifts because you're so thoughtful and you prioritize what I want versus what you want.

B: Yeah.

A: It’s just not necessarily – oh I saw this and thought of you. The other day when you got me all that stuff from Trader Joe’s that was really nice. ‘Cause you remembered what I needed! Well if anything else comes up for that question, feel free to come back to it but I feel like the other questions might illuminate it.

B: Okay.

A: How have you seen our relationship shift over marriage?

B: Wow, that’s a big question. I think in some ways it’s a subtle shift and in other ways a big shift. We’ve been together for a long time but there were a lot of subtle shifts that happened over the course of being married to you. My relationship to my parents is probably the biggest shift I’ve seen. I’m more open with them about the person that I am. Being my complete, out self with them still doesn’t feel natural but I can feel really how hard they’re trying to accept you, Allison. That has been a really big shift because I didn’t know that that was possible. I would say my whole relationship with my parents [has shifted] and how we approach the holidays. I really try to be clear about my communication around the holidays with my parents and that has helped you be clearer with your parents about the holiday expectations, as well. We have such different experiences with our families over the holidays.

A: Yeah (small laugh).

B: It takes a lot of effort to be like, yes I would like to see you but also this is the amount of time I have to see you.

A: Yes. So it’s not necessarily stuff that has shifted in our relationship but things that are intimately connected to who we are as people, and how that shows up in our relationship?

B: Yeah and actually things shifting around us and us adapting to those things accordingly as a team, as a couple, as a unit. Really trying to figure out as a unit what we want. That’s a shift because my parents - they always call it “unit time,” like family unit time, when it's my parents, my brother and I. That’s our family unit.  But now I have a unit with you. And so it’s a different shift. You know what I mean?

A: No, it really is. It’s been a domino effect, right? We’ve been a very close committed couple for so many years but holidays were the one thing - 99% of the time we were a unit, but then around the holidays, because of the situation with your parents, we would just do our own separate thing. You’re so right it not only has shifted how you interact with your parents but how we interact with your parents. And also how we interact with my parents because we are splitting that time when we go to Michigan, and seeing more people, and that is challenging because everyone is getting used to that.

B: Yes. And what I really love about this for my parents is they have been prioritizing spending time with just me. Or just Brandon, Alise, you and I. I expressed to them that sometimes when I come home and we have these big extended family events, it can be very overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. They’ve made space and understanding for me to come home outside of those big holidays.

A: What challenges were you not expecting about marriage?

B: Communication is always a challenge in any relationship but I didn’t expect it to be such a continuous challenge in the first year of our marriage. It can be exhausting to continue to put yourself out there and be vulnerable and communicate your needs. Sometimes you just wanna not feel that shit! Like in all honesty. But there’s nowhere to hide from your own feelings, from your own self, from your partner’s feelings because those are the places in which you most need to tend to your bond.

A: Mmm yeah. I thought that the whole “your first year of marriage is hard” thing was just a heterosexual issue where people don’t talk about their feelings until they’re married. And I was wrong! We talked about our feelings a lot before our marriage but it still was challenging. It could just be the nature of our seventh year together, how that is a precipice point where there’s a lot you’re continuously addressing from earlier in your relationship where you didn’t have the communication skills. We’re also growing older and there’s new challenges with that. I wasn’t expecting it to be as challenging as it was. What you said about the effort and vulnerability really resonated. I've never interpreted myself as someone who has challenges talking about my feelings, but there were times that I was ready to pretend everything was fine. And it was not fine. It’s hard when you want to get it right but you can’t.

B: Yes. And as we’ve learned, just because you’re displaying your emotions outwardly does not mean that you’re truly being vulnerable.

A: Or even communicating! Shoutout to you for teaching me that.

This concludes part one. Part two will be published in next week’s newsletter.

Mariah Miranda Photography

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