Vol. 48: Memory & identity on the eve of 30

I was a Theater Kid in high school. My free time was dedicated to building and painting sets, trying out often but rarely being cast, memorizing my spotlight cues, postering for our shows and recruiting new members of Huron Players. I even served as the president my junior year. My social outlets revolved around rehearsals, tech week and cast parties. When my best friend left over a conflict with the director, I took it personally; I don’t know if our friendship ever really recovered.

Building sets with Maggie, 2009

I quit theater when I left high school. For such a huge part of my life, it was relatively easy to give up without looking back; I knew it wasn’t something I’d carry into college or beyond. As I grow older and my interests and identity continue to evolve, however, I’m finding I have fewer naturally occurring pivot points; instead, life lately has been characterized by slow, arduous shifts in my interests and relationships, and an ongoing search for clarity around how what I "do" feeds into my sense of self. I've never defined myself by my job or my schoolwork, but relationships and (for lack of a better term) extracurriculars? Absolutely core to who I am.

I’ve been a Bookstagrammar for nearly five years. Being a part of the online book community became a part of my identity. It has meant so much to me that it’s taken a while to admit that social media is not currently serving me. I find myself drained when I log onto the app, I can’t keep track of my friends posts, and when I’m trying to force content creation, I get frustrated and give up. For the most part, this hasn’t been particularly distressing - I know the relationships & community I’ve built will be part of my life regardless of my engagement with an app - but recently it came to a head while I was attempting to launch an annual book drive without reckoning with the fact that I don’t want to feel any more self-imposed pressure to be active on IG than I already am. This was supposed to be the fifth year of facilitating a book drive, offering prizes for those who donate to incarcerated readers, and raising awareness of how, in a world brimming with those who love to buy books, purchasing a book for someone who otherwise lacks access is an easy financial  ask. Instead, I couldn’t bring myself to launch it on Instagram.

To be clear, this isn’t me saying I’m quitting IG - just that I need a break, and the book drive has been an unfortunate casualty in that. To those who’ve already donated, I appreciate it. I hope that for most of you, your donation has never truly been contingent on whatever prizes I’ve offered over the years.

I’m turning 30 this week, and I’m thinking a lot about my personal narrative, about the stories I tell myself about what I do or who I am.

This isn’t the 30th birthday newsletter I thought I’d write, but since I attempted (LOL) to launch the giveaway in last edition, it had to be said. In the 30th birthday newsletter I thought I’d write, I’d planned to share how the defining feature of my 20s was not a hobby, a job, or a creative pursuit, but my relationship with my now wife, aka Bae.

If you would have told 20 year old Allison, fighting to the death with internalized homophobia & the toxic independence it manifested, that on the eve of 30, I’d define my 20s with a relationship, she would most likely be horrified. But I hold no regrets. We met when I was 21 and started dating when I was 22. (She'd like me to remind you, here, that we're only 7 months apart, so she was 22 and 23 when we met & started dating, respectively). We celebrated my 23rd birthday together at a gay bar crawl in DC. She’s been there as I learned who I am and as that's shifted, she's been there as I experienced great success and great loss. My relationship is the best part of my life because I am my best self with her - and even when I fear I'm at my worst, she holds me with rigorous love.

The week I turned 20, my favorite band, Jack’s Mannequin, announced they were going on permanent hiatus, and I moved away from my hometown for the first time, to do a semester-long program in DC. I spent that fall semester reading Audre Lorde's poetry, navigating the city, and trying to make a difference. Ten years later, I’m living outside of DC, and tomorrow my wife is taking me to go see Andrew McMahon, the lead singer of Jack’s Mannequin, in concert - my fourth time seeing him, our second time together.

adrienne maree brown writes that what you pay attention to, grows. I don’t know where my interests and passions will take me next, and in some moments I feel less sure of myself now than I did at 20. If my 20s were defined by my relationship with the best person I've ever met, I want my 30s to be defined by my relationship with myself.

Books, books, books

• Recent reads

  •  I read Invisible Child: Poverty, Survival and Hope in an American City by Andrea Elliott. This is an impressive feat of investigative journalism, over 500 pages following the life of a young, homeless Black girl and her family in New York City over the course of nearly a decade. I was so incredibly devastated by the ways the systems supposedly built to protect and support children continually failed them and instead how systems of poverty and racism lead to family separation. I also agree with Traci that I’m left with a lot of questions about ethics of journalism and the problematic dynamic inherent in Elliott and her publisher profiting from the trauma of Dasani and her family.

  • I finished The 1619 Project and am really grateful for all the brilliant writers who contributed to this project. Through so many of my recent reads, it’s so clear that the historical narrative white people believe & are taught in this country is so harmful. We’ll never be able to genuinely build a culture of justice and equity unless we grapple with the way anti-Blackness and history of slavery permeate every aspect of life in the US. History matters. I also appreciated reading Lauren Michele Jackson’s review, which is more critical of the project.
     

• Currently reading

  • I finally started Big Girl by Mecca Jamilah Sullivan, one of my most anticipated summer reads! I’m 30 pages in but hope to finish it this week during my staycation.

  • I’m listening to Heavy by Kiese Laymon, in part inspired by Morgan. I read the book back when it first came out in 2019 but knew I had to reread it, and hearing Kiese read the book is absolutely incredible.

Community Care

While I’m not offering prizes this year, I would still love it if you help me celebrate my birthday by donating a book or $30 to one of these organizations that support incarcerated readers!

• Donate to Free Minds book wishlist here, mailing books to this address: Free Minds Book Club & Writing Workshop, 1816 12th Street NW, Washington, DC 20009

• Donate cash to Free Minds here.

• Donate an online gift card to Room of One’s Own Bookstore for LGBT Books to Prisoners here; use the email [email protected] in the recipient field.

If you would like to donate to another organization/cause that I care a lot about, please consider donating to Black Mamas Matter, which seeks to support and affirm Black maternal health, rights and justice.

Small Business Corner

I went to Barrel & Flow over the weekend, a Black owned beer and arts festival in Pittsburgh, and had an absolute blast! They hosted Black breweries from all over the country and commissioned Black artists to design the can art for special, festival-only beer releases. My one complaint was that we weren’t able to buy the beer to go during the festival itself, so if you drink and are in or near Pittsburgh, you should go to Mike’s Beer Bar and see what you can buy from the limited Barrel & Flow releases! 

Some throwbacks on the eve of a new decade…

My 20th birthday with Maggie and Hannah

My semester living in DC, 2012

Us, celebrating my 23rd birthday at a bar crawl in 2015.

When Bae took me to see Andrew McMahon for my 28th birthday at a drive in concert in August 2020. Yes I'm wearing an Everything in Transit Face Mask.

Thank you for reading! I'd love to know what you thought, either by replying to this email or sharing on social media. If you liked this newsletter, please forward to a friend. All typos my own.