Vol. 46: Authenticity, history & cultural appropriation

I was a guest writer for Leave it to Leonor last week and it was such a fun, rewarding experience to write a newsletter for a different audience. While I know there is some overlap ( I hope you’re all subscribed - I refer to LITL often because I love Leonor & her newsletter), it felt more anonymous writing to a group of people I don’t know. I felt freer & empowered to tackle a topic (friendship breakups) that I’ve felt unable to write about in this space.

I started this newsletter to build accountability for my writing practice, but lately I’ve been self-censoring. I’m hesitant to write about the job I’m both deeply unhappy in and terrified I’m not good enough to leave. I’m scared to be honest about the hurt and guilt I feel over the relationships I’ve lost. I don’t know how to open up about how embarrassed I feel because I’ve gained weight and found my internalized fatphobia runs deeper than I realized when I was skinny (skinnier?). I don’t know how to write about my frustration with the subpar activism of white women in the wake of Dobbs v. Jackson while also grappling with my own failures to have hard conversations with the white people closest to me. My wife once told me, there’s a difference between being emotional and being vulnerable - I am freely emotional, but often boundaried and not vulnerable.

At the risk of falling into an overly goal-oriented, internalized capitalism mindset, there’s two solutions to a fear of writing about what I need to:

1. Write these essays privately & never publish them

2. Be more authentic  

I’m turning thirty on August 21. For many years I heard people - especially women - in their thirties share some version of “when I hit my thirties, I stopped caring what people think.” Or, “When I hit my thirties, I just knew who I was.”

As I near thirty, I understand it’s not something that happens magically but due to internal excavation & tending. In my late twenties, I feel more lost than ever. Yes, I lost my grandmother, and yes, the past two years have seen an insurrection, an ongoing, deadly pandemic and continuous threats to human rights, but still - it feels like it’s a ME problem. So much of my internal narrative lately has been exploring gaps between where I am and where I want my truest self to be. Where did my joy go?

My therapist tells me I need to “invite in” the bad feelings, learn from them, and then move past. I’m simplifying here and it’s a little hooey but the general message is: it’s not as simple as shaming myself to BE BRAVE! BE AUTHENTIC!

I never want to believe that I have it all figured out, but I would like to feel more free.

Books, books, books

Currently reading: I’m halfway throughBegin Again: James Baldwin’s America and Its Urgent Lessons For Our Ownwhich combines history, literary criticism and personal essays to explore what we can learn from James Baldwin in our current moment. Dr. Glaude so clearly & effectively lays out the cyclical and insidious nature of American history - how each time we as Americans have come close to living out the ideals that we were founded on yet have never actualized, we fail to adequately reckon with history and thus the cycle repeats. 

“We are told… that Trumpsim is exceptional, a unique threat to our democracy. This view that Trump, and Trump alone, stresses the fabric of the country lets us off the hook. It feeds into the lie that Baldwin spent the majority of his life trying to convince us to confront. It attempt to explain away as isolated events what today’s cellphone footage exposes as part of our every day experience. Exceptionalizing Trump deforms our attention (it becomes difficult to see what is happening right in front of us) and secures our self-understanding from anything he might actually represent. If anything, Trump represents a reassertion of the belief that America is, and always will be, a white nation.” - Eddie Glaude Jr., page 54

I’m also rereading White Negroes: When Cornrows Were in Vogue.. And Other Thoughts on Cultural Appropriation by Lauren Michele Jackson by listening to it on audiobook, and it’s even more brilliant than I remember. When I first started this book back in 2019, I thought I knew what Jackson was going to say - after all, I’ve been following “internet discourse” on cultural appropriation since my Tumblr days; I couldn’t have been more wrong! If you feel similarly, I highly recommend you read it; Jackson is a gifted writer who always helps me see things in a different, unexpected way.

Community Care

Please consider donating $5 - 7 to one of the organizations linked below in appreciation for this free newsletter!  

I’m really sad that some blatant transphobes protested a Drag Queen Story Hour in my neighborhood over the weekend. For those not paying attention, there is a coordinated attack against trans & queer communities that has been ongoing and is only worsening. I really encourage everyone to educate themselves on queer & trans issues, on the validity & beauty of non-binary identity, and ensure that your activism for queer & trans folks doesn’t just look like passively putting on a rainbow t shirt in the month of June.

One small, simple step in your activism for trans communities can be not supporting TERFS like JK Rowling who have been given ample opportunities to learn and instead double down on the exact harmful ideologies that are leading to these anti-trans and anti-LGBTQ bills we’re seeing nationwide.

Consider donating to Trans Lifeline to support mental health for trans communities, or to the Trans Justice Funding Project to support trans-led grants to a diverse group of organizations supporting trans livelihood & thriving..

Thanks to a friend/subscriber for sharing - Black Garnet Books, a Black woman-owned bookstore in Minneapolis, is currently crowdfunding for permanent location. Learn more and donate here.

Today is Primary Election Day in Maryland. I've already voted via absentee (thanks to my wife for dropping it off in the dropbox for me!)

Some Gratitude

At the risk of today’s newsletter being too depressing, I’m practicing some gratitude journaling below & invite you to share with me what you’re grateful for, as well.

• Peaceful, outdoor breakfast and coffee date with my love outdoor at Zinnia

• Accidentally wound up on the same flight as my cousin - who lives in Seattle but was in Maryland for a wedding - when I flew to Seattle for a work conference

• Guest writing for Leave it to Leonor - I know I mentioned it above, but I’ll put it here again because I’m so grateful for the experience. And to my new friends who have joined because of LITL - welcome!

Thanks for reading! All typos my own. If you enjoyed this newsletter, please consider forwarding to a friend or sharing on social media.