Vol. 37: All About Love, boundaries and lots of books

Building self-boundaries

What are you proud of yourself for lately? Since I wrote at the end of last year about recommitting myself to my financial goals, I’m really proud of how I’ve taken seriously my commitment to myself (and my wife) to get my discretionary spending under control.

In chapter 9 of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab writes about a man named Kyle who consistently overspends. This section resonated with me: “It’s a boundary issue because we lack the willingness to tell ourselves no to whatever we want. But it’s dangerous to say yes to every urge without limits. This doesn’t happen because we want to damage ourselves, but because we lack healthy self-boundaries.” I have more than enough income, but so quickly fell into patterns of going on spending binges when I felt sad or insecure.

Recently, I’ve finally begun maintaining self-boundaries around my spending. What made the difference? Honestly, I felt forced into it by how much I overspent at the end of the year. It seemed there was no other choice. I’ve also been focused on exercising and journaling to manage my anxiety & improve my self confidence. This has helped me be much more intentional about previously mindless online purchases. 

I’ve admittedly been much less social at the start of this year, instead focusing on writing, lots of TV, cooking & eating at home, and avoiding Omicron. While this has certainly made it easier for me to manage my spending, I’m hopeful that I’ve built up the self-boundaries to keep my habits even when I am seeing friends.

And now, I’m motivated by how much it has improved my relationship. I’ve long joked that she’s a saver and I’m a spender - the key to a happy relationship, so I thought. We each have our discretionary “fun money” and joint accounts for our household & future savings. She's done an amazing job of building a household budget with lots of savings, setting up joint auto-deposits, etc. - all while I consistently blew through my fun money.

I didn’t realize that while she never felt entitled to my personal checking account, it caused her stress that I failed to adequately manage it. She felt pressure to handle all the household and her personal expenses perfectly (an impossible goal when it comes to personal finance) because I clearly was not in a place to support. I’m sure this is something she communicated to me many times, but it was not until she told me we couldn’t stay in the DMV with its high cost of living long-term if I continued to live my life this way. While this felt like a threat at the time, I realize now it was a cry for help when I wasn’t hearing her otherwise. I’m embarrassed it took her getting to that point. She told me this over the summer, and now, over six months later, I finally feel in control.

I want to be clear that a ton of privilege - white, class, able-bodied privilege, and generational wealth - has shown up in my experience. I am writing solely about (mostly) superfluous money when all my material needs (and future savings!) are covered by our household budget. For that, I’m very lucky. Everyone deserves fun things, regardless of income, and because of the racist, sexist capitalism we live in, not everyone has equal access to the freedom of choices that I do.

I’m writing this because for many of us, mental health plays a significant role in overspending and credit card debt - and shame only makes it worse.

Our relationship is better, my bank account is happier, and my mental health is much improved. I feel vulnerable sharing this, because I’m afraid the moment I send this out, I will spend $200 on Target leggings I don’t need. I know I won’t always be perfect, but I’m proud of myself for continuing to try.

Books, Books, Books

Currently reading

• I’m reading All About Love by bell hooks for Sarah’s book club, which my in-laws just gave me for Christmas (thank you, B&A!). I read Communion years ago when I was fresh out of college and felt very confused by it. I now see I read her “love” trilogy out of order. This book is incredible and moving as I think about love both within myself and within our society, how to be an authentic, loving person and show up in love & community with others.

Recent reads

• I finished Wahala by Nikki May on audiobook and it was a fantastic, messy novel featuring three mixed race British-Nigerian best friends and an old friend who arrives and creates chaos in the group. The narrator did an incredible job! #TeamRonke. CW for colorism and assault. Thanks to Libro.Fm for the gifted copy - join Libro.Fm using my affiliate link here!

• I read Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab and DAMN I needed this book. Tawwab makes something as terrifying & intimidating as assertively setting boundaries feel doable. She also teaches us that it’s not sufficient to communicate the boundary one time; the real work comes in how you maintain that boundary even as others try to break it. I learned a lot from this book and can’t recommend it enough for how kind, direct and necessary it felt for my life & growth.

• I’m hesitant to share too much about the rereading of Jodi Picoult’s books that I’ve been doing lately; I consider myself intentional about the books I read to ensure they’re values-aligned, even those I’d consider "fluff." Perhaps I’m overthinking it and embarrassed? I don’t think escapist fiction needs to be problematic and I’m unsure if I would consistently characterize her books as problematic. The novels from the 2000 - 2010 era are certainly relics of their time and her recent work is not immune to criticism. That said, I reread Nineteen Minutes and while I was mostly doing it as an easy read, revisiting a high school fave, I couldn’t help but consider how it aged. The story follows a Columbine-esque school shooter who lives after his rampage, and moves back & forth through time as we explore the bullying that “pushed him over the edge.” I think it was a good examination of bullying and can see why it resonated with me as a teen. I also know the conversation around solving “bullying” as an antidote to school shootings, rather than gun control & dismantling of white supremacist patriarchy, feels very insufficient. 

TBR alert

• Thanks to Morgan, I learned that Mecca Jamilah Sullivan has her debut novel coming out in July, Big Girl. I am always raving about her short story collection Blue Talk and Love, which I heard her read from at OutWrite many years ago. The blurb sounds incredible!

Community Care

I loved listening to The Stacks Podcast's Banned Books week interviews with librarians, politicians, educators and more about the urgency demanded by the current wave of book bannings. This is a serious issue I admittedly haven’t covered in the newsletter yet. Traci did an incredible job featuring a wide variety of voices. I highly recommend you listen! If you’re looking for a place to donate, the incomparable Alison Bechdel recommended the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund as an on-the-ground organization to support.

Self Care

Here’s an excerpt from chapter four “Commitment: Let Love Be Love In Me” of bell hooks’ All About Love that I’m sitting with as I think about this section of my newsletter today: “Self-love cannot flourish in isolation. It is no easy task to be self-loving. Simple axioms that make self-love sound easy only make matters worse. It leaves many people wondering why, if it is so easy, they continue to be trapped by feelings of low self-esteem or self-hatred. Using a working definition of love that tells us it is the action we take on behalf of our own or another’s spiritual growth provides us with a beginning blueprint for working on the issue of self-love. When we see love as a combination of trust, commitment, care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility, we can work on developing these qualities or, if they are already a part of who we are, we can learn to extend them to others.”

Small Business Corner

Disclaimer: I recently joined an Etsy affiliate program as a way to increase my earning potential from this newsletter while also continuing to bring you intentionally curated small business recommendations. When you shop at the links below, you are supporting me & this newsletter at no extra cost to you or the business owner! This will never be an Etsy-exclusive space.

I came across AWorthyBrand when buying Bae earrings last year and have since got her three pairs. I love these venus symbol threaders on her and these venus huggies are her signature look. They are affordable and have held up well!

Before I was the candle girl I am today, I was a huge incense fan back in the day. I still love incense but am in need of a new incense holder. These concrete ones from Black-owned brand TaraJayne Designs are adorable.

How cute are these custom pet portraits from GyoILLustrations?

Not Etsy, but it’s been a minute since I shouted out Simply Literary Co. I have one of their hoodie and have my eye on this Book Worm crewneck!

Some housekeeping as we close out

Number one, was no one gonna tell me I did a Vol. 34 of the newsletter twice? Learned that as I was editing this one, LOL, further evidence of my belief that perfectionism is a trait of white supremacy culture. 

And number two, I’m traveling next week for a long awaited family vacation so there will be no newsletter! I’ve really enjoyed getting this newsletter back to a weekly format but it is still officially a biweekly newsletter. 

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