Vol. 34: I went viral!

Some thoughts on my experience going viral, race & social media, and celebrating our wins.

Over the weekend, a video I made about how my wife wanted to name our dog Jamaal (and I said no) went viral on TikTok, Twitter and Instagram. This is just one week into me dipping my toes into creating TikToks. While I knew it was a funny story, I wasn’t expecting this response.

To add further irony, this happened less than two weeks after writing a newsletter about internet boundaries and privacy.

(For those who don’t have TikTok or don’t get “the joke,” I posted a follow up video explaining why it is racist for a white woman to name a dog a name as culturally Black as Jamaal - white people have compared Black people to dogs for centuries to justify racism. I have no problem naming our child Jamaal because a child is a human being that can have a name tied to their culture & the culture of their mother.)

My general sense is that it’s not “cool” to be demonstrably excited about going viral. Or maybe I’ve just never been in regular dialogue with anyone who has gone this degree of viral before. I am excited! I’m a words of affirmation person, I’m a Leo, middle child - I love attention. The comments are hilarious - especially the ones calling me Alicia Silverstone.

I’ve written before that my wife is a significantly more private person than I am. To make the implicit, explicit - as a white lesbian, I’ve learned that I will never truly know what privacy and boundaries mean in the context of being a Black, queer woman. I've not always been perfect at holding space for her on this. It took her saying to me directly, “stop trying to understand and accept that you never will” for us to get to the place we are now.

This video escalated very fast. When the original video was at maybe 350,000 views, people asked for a “wife reveal.” I asked for her consent and posted some photos with her approval. Neither of us realized that video of us would get 100,000 views and counting, or get cross-posted to Instagram by an account with 118,000 followers. So while I’m enjoying the truly funny, generous comments (and the increase in followers, which ups my earning potential on social media!), I’m also mindful of how this is affecting her - to the extent that I’m probably annoying because I’m “checking in” constantly.

I’m grateful for the work I’ve done on social media boundaries prior to this, for my ability to discern when a comment is rooted in genuine misunderstanding that warrants an explanation vs. when it’s a troll who has no desire to learn. While I’ve spent far too much time on my phone the past few days, I also think I’ve handled the nastier comments pretty well (block & delete!).

The other thing I want to lift up here is an article I love by Anela Malik about how “influencer” as a career is looked down on primarily because it’s a female dominated industry.

My wife has been incredible throughout this experience; someone remarked to her that I “blew up overnight” and she responded that it’s based on years of work. Oh, how she loves me, sees me & validates me. While it’s true that the Max/Jamaal video has gone more viral than any of my previous content, it’s built on years of steadily building up my social media presence, expertise and work. These are real skills that are often viewed as vapid, self absorbed or silly, something that hadn't clicked 'til I read Anela’s essay.

To be honest, one of the reasons I joined TikTok is because there is more earning potential than on Instagram. And worth noting here that the Black/white pay gap on all social media but particularly TikTok is horrific

Another relevant dynamic is the ongoing issue of white creators pillaging Black influencers and Black culture for content while gaining more success due to their white privilege. I don’t want to be a “my wife is Black” content creator. And she is a huge part of my life. The story that went viral is one she plays a key role in. Adding to this, I was inspired to tell the internet about Jamaal after my friend Nanyamka posted a pic of her dog with the caption “Princeton Jamal Ealy” and reminded me of this story (shoutout to Nanyamka for always making my life better!).

The best way I know to describe being in an interracial relationship is “race matters so much and not at all.” (Side note: Race shows up constantly even in white/white relationships, but many white couples don’t realize or discuss this!) I do what I can on social media to ensure I’m not feeding into the racist algorithm, and I won’t recreate this dynamic in my own home.

And. Bae is just funnier than I am! Most all comedic stories in my life come at least partially due to her presence.

Another thing this social media experience has reminded me is how much difficulty we have leaning into the Both/And. For example, I didn’t know that Jamaal is an Arabic Muslim name as well - my exposure to the name has been through Black Americans. While I feel sympathy for anyone who views something within the lens of a very real experience of cultural erasure, I know that white supremacy pushes us all to view things as “either/or” when we should be leaning into the “both/and.” Jamaal is a Black name AND an Arab name AND a Muslim name. Also, Black Arabs and Black Muslims exist. And, I am neither Black nor Arab nor Muslim, so the point of the video stands! There are lots of commenters still fighting about this on my video. My experience so far has been that TikTok is 2012 Tumblr on steroids - the comments are, for the most part, not a place to change anyone’s mind. Nuance is completely lost. 

It also reminded me of how many assumptions we make about others. I say in the video, “She’s still mad about it to this day.” Some commenters, mostly who appear white (you can't always tell based on a small profile picture), implied that I chose my dis/comfort over her happiness. These comments caught me off guard at first, but upon reflection, they don’t offend me. I know my relationship dynamic is radically equal and affirming. People who are more familiar with Bae & our relationship know this is yet another example of her giving me shit as a way of showing me love (I tell my friends: if she doesn’t make fun of you, she doesn’t like you). I similarly can be very judgmental or hard on white people in interracial relationships because there are so many of them who make us look bad, so I get it. And this experience was a reminder that folks can make assumptions about the true nature of something as intimate as a marriage based on a sixty second video and sarcasm that didn’t land well. 

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my long, self-indulgent thoughts (though isn’t all writing self-indulgent?). And as I close out, a huge shoutout to my wife for loving me so well, helping me see things clearly - whether that’s my worth, nuance, or just a sense of humor in challenging times.

Max blissfully unaware of his newfound internet fan base